Unloved

A Short Piece for Lian

"There's a certain feeling when it comes to be unloved. Some might call it sadness, or even depression. But it's not that. The feeling is like you're invisible."My raspy voice is heavy and sounds grief struck, even though I have nobody to grieve over anymore. "Even though they talk to me periodically to check if I'm still breathing, they never ask how I'm feeling, or how my day has been or what my interests are. They're all focused on the more visually appealing wolves. Even my brothers couldn't bring themselves to care for me, so how can I expect strangers to even approach and greet me?" My golden eyes are latched onto the paws that are stretched out in front of me in a laying position. My paws. Small and weak. Nothing special about them. Ordinary. "I'm sure everyone looks at me and instantly thinks I'm some weak, sickly thing. But nobody has the heart to peer past the shell I've encased myself in. Nobody has bothered to take a glance at the withering heart that struggles to beat inside my chest because of all the shunning stares." My voice crackles. "I guess that's why I went into seclusion." My eyebrows furrow as I spurt out all these sudden realisations. "So that nobody has to bring themselves to even try and work out the mysterious thing that is called 'Lian'. At least the loneliness loves me. The quiet seems to engulf my head every single waking day and embrace me with cold, cruel arms. I'll admit it now, I sometimes feel a thumping in my head or something shattering inside of me every time I'm forgotten. My brothers forgot about me the second I turned around and ran away." I feel a shudder rolling through my body as hazy, flashing memories pop in and out of my head. The day my brothers finally gave up on me…

"The cold nights. The silent days. The lonely life. It's all apart of the mix that is known so well as seclusion. I don't exactly want to be alone, though." I pause for a second. "I want warm nights huddled up with friends. I want loud days running around and being free. I want to have the life of somebody who is loved, maybe even have that one wolf which makes me melt with every little touch or graze of skin." A gentle smile spreads itself across my face like a ray of warm sunlight, and quickly fades with the next thought. "But only a fool would fall in love with something so 'complicated', because nobody seems to have to time for someone like me. Just a small, weak, strange looking she-wolf with an odd gaze, the kind of gaze that's always searching somewhere else or dreaming of something more."My voice is now harsh and judgemental, I can't even love myself anymore. "They might call me selfish or self absorbed for wanting these things for myself so badly. The truth is, I just want to feel acknowledged. Not castaway or unwanted, I want to feel needed." I finally look up from my paws, some foolish part of me thinking there would be somebody sitting in front of me, listening intently to my every word. But instead, I'm greeted by a dirt ridden stone wall. I can feel the anger for myself bubbling in my stomach for thinking someone would ever actually want to listen to my ranting. So with a scowl, I stand up and slash a paw against the wall of my den in frustration, claws meeting stone and dirt in an ear ringing screech. With a huff, I turn my small body around and storm out of the large den, anger written in my features like the claw marks were now written on the wall. As soon as I find my paws making contact with the soft grass and warm sun, my body drops to the ground at the base of my elm tree, my body quivering as I whimper my sadness to the wind, the only thing that would listen to such a pathetic being as me.